|
|
3:49 p.m. - 2004-06-23
How do you make a Love Muffin? Recipe below:
1 Pudgy middle aged man 2 much alcohol 4 heinous alcohol induced eppisodes 1 bitter ex-wife.
Mix all of the above together and the result will be one messy divorce. Take the Messy Divorce mixture and blend with 1 bitter Ex-Wife.
Stew above mixture in white knuckled, forced sobriety for at least a year.
Bake stewed batter in lonliness for 2 years.
Yield: One doughy, pudgy, middle aged man who is starving for love and sex, yet only wants the love and sex with the bitter ex-wife, Darlene.
Larry the Love Muffin goes back and forth between denial and rage. For 3 years he has been living in a rooming house, not wanting to put down any roots because he is sure that Darlene will want him back and is only playing little �playing hard to get� games with him. He in turn plays games with her, which makes her mad, because she has made it clear from day 1, that she will never take him back.
The 4 heinous, alcohol induced episodes that are part of the recipe above include:
1. Using all the colors of left over spray paint in the garage to decorate the living room walls.
2. Flying a brand new Corvette off the highway into an empty field with a 5th of vodka between his knees.
3. Calling up wife�s old boyfriend and threatening him for sleeping with her 30 years ago.
4. Showing up at wife�s place of employment drunk, and scolding her boss and co-workers for encouraging her to leave him.
Larry has been stone sober since the divorce, trying to convince Darlene that his drinking days are over, and that without the alcohol added, they can resume their marriage without missing a beat. She has moved on and is not about to take another chance.
He is a very sociable person and is really a very nice fellow. He loves having someone to take care of and misses his home, family, and dog. He is the kind of guy that craves human interaction. The kind of guy that should not have a solo gig as a truck driver. Larry is a lover. A lover of people, animals and especially Darlene.
All of our customers know Larry. When we send The Love Muffin to deliver a load of pallets, he delivers the load and then hungry to tell his story of unrequited love, follows the poor receiving dock guy around and tells him the whole story, start to finish, about how he came to be divorced, how much he misses his wife and feels around for whether or not the loading dock guy thinks he has a chance to get back together with her. After that particular guy has heard the story a few times, he is then treated to conversation about the next plan Larry is going to hatch to get her back, at the end of which, he fishes for advice from the guy and won�t settle for anything less than what he wants to hear.
Larry never shuts up. He will talk and talk and talk and follow you where ever you go so he can keep telling his pathetic story. He even followed one guy to the bathroom and talked on the other side of the door while the guy took a dump.
Some people ask us not to send Larry to their stop anymore.
Once in a while, The Love Muffin wakes up to reality and decides he is going to find another woman to love and care for. He signed up for internet dating and surfs the love sites looking for Miss Right. Of course Miss Right doesn�t have to be young. He wants a woman within 10 years of his own age of 53, but Miss Right must have a perfect body and a beautiful face and look like nothing short of a super model.
During the espisodes where Larry is looking for Miss Right, his mind gets dirty. He can think about nothing but sex and everything anyone says to him has some kind of sexual connotation.
If you make a comment like �boy those were a couple of nice stacks we delivered today.�, he will comment on how nicely stacked the woman who replied to his internet ad was.
If you say, �We are running a little behind today.� He will make a comment about �getting a little behind today.�
He gets a bite now and then too, but then The Love Muffin decides that he doesn�t want a new woman after all, slips back in his �Darlene Fantasy� and goes back into playing the games he thinks will win her back.
Other times, he slips into reality and gets the �I�m gonna get me another woman� mood and at the same time he gets very very bitter at Darlene for �living in HIS house� and �keeping him from HIS dog�, forgetting that he is the one who gave her everything to begin with. He believes that the least she can do for his generosity is to love him again.
I will end here before this complex character gets any more confusing. Now that you know him, it will be easier to tell little stories about him here and there when they come up.
He may sound odd, but then again I have a soft spot for Odd balls.
P. I. Yarnsmith
|