10:53 a.m. - 2004-08-29
Making Life Over Again

Weaving A New Cloth

Well... as usual, I am sitting her a wastin time. Oh..There is alot I can do...clean the bathroom, vaccuum...Oh wait...I can't do that until Prince Michael is up...that should be around 2PM.....I said in an earlier post that I should be nominated for "The Village Idiot"....not only because I continue to live with a man who refuses to work but he does minimal housework...I shop, cook, feed and clean up after him and on weekends I can't do anything that makes noise....I also HAVE to work on my computer because I have a pet Cockatiel that will not be ignored. If I don't sit in the same room with Prince Alex...the Bird...he will wake up Prince Michael the Lump. We NEVER NEVER EVER want to wake up Prince Michael the Lump...because he is a toxic human being and swears and bitches and moans about every little thing....his merely being awake drains energy from me. SO...I do anything I can to keep him comatose and out of my hair. Every day...I wish he would die.

As you can see....I am slave to many...the two Princes and then we have Princess Abby the cat who will continually mew until she gets what she wants....again...threatening to wake up Prince Michael the Lump.

The truth to why I stay in this sham of a marriage (25 years this fall)..is because my little ol job at the Pallet company will not support me...Prince Michael has built up a nice retirement fund from which he is drawing off of now at a significant 10% penalty to live on and thus...we keep our good credit and good home.

The problem here is that we are seriously depleteing the retirement fund...which in the case of the divorce I hope to get some day will be 1/2 mine....and I don't want to be one of those little old ladies that has nothing and has to depend on charity...so it is to my advantage that I get my act together ASAP and get my half...before it is gone.

This brings me to my extremely serious character defect. I hide out at that pallet company because I simply cannot tolerate working in a standard office. Business attire strangles me...the thought of panty hose makes me want to lace up a noose and throw it over the nearest tree...with my neck in it. The mere thought of listening to business lingo like "Lets run that up the flagpole" or "Think out of the box" makes me want to run and jump into Busse Lake. I cannot function in a business environment...I would rather die...and I guess since I don't want to die....I choose to stay here with Prince Michael the Lump and siphon off our savings.

Why do I work in a business environment...well it is kinda something I blame my deceased mother for...but I am an adult now and have to stop blaming other people for the choices I have made...so I have forgiven Mom and gone on to realize that I have always had the power to change my fate....I just have never done it.

Back in my high school days, I was sort of an odd ball creative type...but must have given off the impression that I was a moron and clueless. The creative me was never allowed to thrive...Anything I was interested in was deemed "bull shit". The only thing my mother respected was regular academic type classes and secretarial work. This is really strange because my Mother was the original women's libber....she didn't believe that women should stay within dictated boundaries...but in my case...(I think she thought I was retarded) she was afraid that I would get into a situation that would result in my not being able to take care of myself financially and thus be stuck with me for the rest of her life.....So in high school, I was only permitted to take reading, writing and rithmatic and secretarial classes (of which I stank horribly).

Even though I was accepted to 2 good colleges, my parents, again, thinking I was retarded, would not support that idea, so I enrolled in a local junior college. I had every intention to show that I was worthy of going on to a 4 year program but between year 1 and year 2 at the community college, Dad died and my family sort of went a bit dysfunctional...poor Mom, stuck with 3 teenagers was beside herself. I also learned how to drink and do drugs....and decided to run down that path instead of pushing on to a better career path.

At this point, I was given an ultimatum by Mom, either quit fooling around at school and get a full time job so I could pay room and board.....or move out, whereby I would have to quit school, get a full time job and pay for rent and food. I chose to move out and did continue to attend night school classes, but the party life was a calling and I answered.

In the meantime, the only marketable skill I had was typing...I eventually worked my way up to accounting clerk and am now pretty much qualified to be a full charge bookeeper...I just don't have the sheepskin most corporations are looking for and again....Me..work in the corporate world....KILL ME PLEASE.

I also sort of fell into the trap of....Gee...I'm married and raised a kid and will work in this little office and take care of the domestic things and my hubby will earn the lions share of the living of which I will then be privy to and we will save a nice little nest egg for our retirement and life will be good. IT JUST WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY...

Ok...so here I am now...a former 1/2 housewife...1/2 lowly office worker whos original plan fell apart....At least the kid is up and out of the house and it is only me I have to worry about now....I am nearing 50....don't want to take the time to go back to school and for what...to work in the business world....no thanks...I would rather live in a Kenmore box.

Prince Michael the Lump's ranting, ravings, paranoia, constant contrived illnesses and ill temper were bearable as long as the rest of the plan was progressing....ie: he stay gainfully employed and I get to spend his money....Now I have to get a new plan.

I know, just about all of my problems come from my immaturity. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would take my 20's very very seriously. In your 20's you have the youth, energy and resources to achieve escape velocity and get out of the drudgery so many people find themselves in by middle age....and this is the primary advice I have given to my daughter...thank God she is mature and responsible.

The one thing I LOVE to do...is write. I don't know if I am any good at it....but I sure love it....that is one reason for Diaryland..it is practice....practice spewing out all the crap that is built up in my head...and I have all you nice people to read it. When I am not working, I am trying to develop what ever skill I have into some income producing venture that involves writing.

I have started a Personal Biography Service and am working on my website and brochure now as well as learning new software. I should be ready to kick this venture off sometime this fall....I know it will be a long long haul to develop it into a full time income...but this is the thread I have decided to start to pull and hopefully it will unravel in one nice long peice that I can then weave into a new cloth....one that is free from Prince Michael the Lump.

P. I. Yarnsmith

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