7:20 p.m. - 2004-08-27
Donald's Inferno

Donald's Inferno

My oldest Nephew, Donald, is going off to college tomorrow morning. He is a freshman and will be attending Mommouth College in Monmouth, Illinois.

Donald is a popular, lovable, young man with a zest for life that is not seen in most people. He is handsome, charming and charmed...well sort of. Everybody who meets this kid gets attached to him and instantly likes him and I don't think he has an enemy in the world.

What ever Donald does, he does in a big big way. Stuff happens to him, good and bad...but if the stuff that happens to him is bad...he usually skips away unscathed and it is always memorable.

Case in point. My sister Linda and hubby, Don, bought an old Blazer in good shape for the teen drivers in the family and figured it would last through two teenagers. Donald has been driving it for a couple years and 15 year old Sam was salivating at the thought that it would be ALL HIS, in just two short days. Sam washed and waxed it and polished it with pride, he changed the oil and babied it and I think he may have been overheard talking to it in the garage, but he won't admit it. However, in these last couple of days, the Blazer still belonged to Donald.

Like I said...things happen to Donald in a big way and don't you just know that something happened to that car.....was it a flat tire?....NOOOOOOO. Was it a fender bender?.....NOOOOOOOO. If Donald was going to get in trouble with that car just before handing it over to little brother Sam, it would have to be big.....REAL BIG!

Driving down a country road near home Wednesday night, Donald encountered some deep mud.....mud so deep he got all 4 wheels of the 4 wheel drive vehicle stuck. To be fair, the road was so muddy that when he hit the muddy part of the road, he just slid and the mud just sucked that Blazer right in.

Now most of us in Chicago here as well as people who live in other Northern climes, are familiar with the rocking back and forth maneuver we do with vehicles stuck in snow. This is what Donald naturally thought would work. He even switched it into four wheel drive to help. There he was a rockin and NOT rollin and the engine started to overheat. He kept it up and then remembered to turn on the heater when overheating to help disapate the heat. Doing so caused the entire cab of the Blazer to fill with white smoke.

Donald and his girl, Joy opened the hood and saw there was a little fire inside. They wisely got away from the vehicle, but he wasn't too concerned, he figured the little fire would just burn up the little cable and go out. They turned away from the vehicle to discuss what they were going to do and when they looked back the entire engine compartment was ablaze. Then there was an explosion....and black smoke....then there was another explosion...opps..there went the can of bug spray in the front seat. By the time the fire department came to put out the fire, there was nothing left of the vehicle but charred metal skeletal remains of what was once a nice red Blazer.....and guess what...being an older car and trying to keep the insurance policy down....there was only liability insurance.....there is no longer any car to pass down to Sam.

That night....not believing what went down and still in shock....a frantic Sam told his dad that he wanted to go over to the junk yard and salvage anything he could off the Blazer...the tires, the CD changer, the differential, even the brake shoes....this kid wanted to save every good part of HIS CAR....he was in a state of denial. Out of the darkness of his bedroom, Donald, eavesdropping on the conversation, said "Sam...there is nothing left."

A voice like the one coming out of Linda Blair while she was possessed in "The Excorcist" came out of Sam as he shouted "FUCK YOU DONALD"!!!

By Thursday night, the family was once again speaking to Donald and they were starting to accept the death of the vehicle. Sam came home from Boyscouts and threw a magazine towards Donald. He said "Oh by the way...this came in the mail today...like it is mocking us"....It was the latest issue of a magazine for Blazer owners.

Good Luck at Monmouth Donaldo....be good and study hard and remember...when you play the bagpipes....please wear your underpants...Love Auntie Paula

P. I. Yarnsmith

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