4:57 p.m. - 2004-10-21
Pins and Needles...Needles and Pins

On Pins and Needles

Fell into bed at 7PM last night completely spent from the adrenaline rush and burn from asking for a giant raise. Slept all night and woke up anxiety ridden and felt like I had not slept a wink.

While asleep, I dreamed I was in a bathtub partying with 4 Australian men and the lady who is on my morning AM radio talk show. Wonder where that one came from. We all had bathing suits on and I was skinny. Another thing that could only happen in a dream is that the bathtub was a normal sized bathtub and there were 6 people in it with plenty of room to spare.

By the time I got to work, I had worked myself into a mental frenzy and was pissed off that Chander would let me wait all weekend before giving me his decision. He told me he would not be in Thursday and Friday which would normally be good news, but that leaves me hanging with anxiety for 4 whole days. I don't do anxiety well. Anxiety is the reason I self medicated for so long. My first reaction to this anxiety was the longing for a tranquilizer or a joint or something to take the edge off. Thank God I don't know where to buy Pot anymore.

Chander kept calling and calling and calling all day long to check up on me and Dan. If he only knew that on days when he wasn't there, Larry sits and does nothing but listen to the radio and read the paper and talk all day for the 800.00 per week that Chander agreed to pay him, he wouldn't have such a hard time giving me $600.00 for actually working. During one of those phone calls, Chander announced that he WAS coming in tomorrow after all.

Changes in anything throw me for a loop. Just about the time I accept what will be and build a possible scenario in my head that I can deal with, something changes and I go through the mental calisthenics all over again. "Why is he coming in....Maybe he's coming in to fire me....No, he said he would take care of me....I wonder if he is coming in because he reached a decision....Maybe he is going to take more of a hands on position in the company (not good for us)......" the thoughts go round and round and round and the anxiety builds and builds. (Before any of you send me a note telling me that I shouldn't let these things get to me...please be aware that I already know this....my anxiety ridden random thought patterns are part of my make up...I can't control them...only learn to live with them).

I have gone back and forth between telling myself that this is good, because maybe I will find out his descision tomorrow, and being suspicious that he changed his pattern. I told Dan that if he is coming in tomorrow, I will press him for the answer. I am hoping he will offer me either the 600.00 I asked for or at least $550.00 which I can then counter with $550.00 plus two raises of 25.00 per week, 6 months apart so that I am at $600.00 by next year. I am dreading that he will only offer me $500.00...that is unacceptable.

If he offers me $500.00 or less, I will be forced to find a new job, which in the end could be very very good for me. I could probably get $600.00 plus insurance in the Chicagoland area with my experience, but that would entail having clothes to wear and pantyhose, high heels and other women to office politic with. In addition, I was hoping that I could remain in a job where I am comfortable and have support of co workers that are like family to me if I have to go through something as stressful as a seperation, divorce and relocation. The Seperation, divorce and relocation along with a new job might just send me over the edge.

Well...thanks for listening to yet more of my ramblings. Hopefully tomorrows post will be all about how Chander says: "I can't do it without you...here is your $ 600.00. I know it won't be more.

P. I. Yarnsmith

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