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2:54 p.m. - 2004-10-22
Having guts can hurt....bad!

Guts...not all it's cracked up to be.

I woke up this morning in a complete anxiety attack, knowing that this was the day Chander was coming in to discuss the raise I asked for. I knew instinctively that I would not get what I asked for, but figured that I would surely get 500.00 per week.

A few minutes before Chander was due to arrive, Howard walked in. "Here for a meeting?" I asked smilingly. See I figured that Chander was coming in to discuss much more than me and my raise request and didn't think anything of Howard being there...not connecting it with my raise..after all, Howard is retired and simply doing some part time work for us.

Howard, Dan, Chander and Larry of all people went in the back to "talk". They came back up and invited me into the office. 4 of them staring me down....4 against one. Chander said, "you know that I cannot make a decision on the increase you asked for without consulting them." he motioned to Howard and Dan. "They are my eyes and ears in this office."

Now before I go on. Dan was the one who agreed with me that my job was worth the $600.00 per month and he is supposed to be the General Manager. Dan has confided to me many times that Larry is not worth the $800.00 they are giving him and is more a hinderance than a help. Dan wants to put Larry back driving a truck. It is evident that Howard is still running the entire operation from a radio and a couple 6 hour days per week and that Dan is only occupying the General Managers chair. Chander owns the company and can damned well pay me whatever he wants. Being a professional businessman, he knows that the job I do is worth $600.00 per week just about anywhere in industry.

Chander motioned to Howard, "You want to take it from there?"

I looked at Howard. A man whom I have worked for for almost 13 years. Someone whom I looked to as a father figure. I felt like he was part of my family and I his. It would be no skin off his nose to let Chander pay me the extra money....no skin off of his nose except that when the company profits, he has a bonus incentive arranged for himself and Dan. A bonus incentive that will likely put an extra 20,000.00 each in their pockets.

Howard looked at me in a way that I have never seen him look at me before and said, "You know we can't offer you what your asking for. I am willing to offer you an extra 10 percent and that will cover what we will dock you for taking the time off to look for another job."

He graciously (and I say that completely sarcasticly) said that they will let me have a day per week to find another job and that the extra money will compensate me for that day...(Hardly). He then had the gaul to go on and say, "Just keep us abreast of what you are doing and how it is going so we can make the transition smoothly between you and your replacement.

I just mumbled something like, "well, I will not be staying." and walked out the door. I was on the verge of crying and my voice revealed that.

I finished the work I was doing and made up the deposit for Chander to take to the bank. The phone rang. Instead of cheerfully saying "Midtown Pallet, can I help you?" I grunted out something more like..."sniff, gulp, creak, hlo?" It was Chanders banker and I usually ask who it is and tell the person I am directing the call to who wants them. All I could manage was to wave the phone at Chander.

Howard said goodbye to everyone in the office and said, "I'm leaving..see ya." but the lousy bastard didn't have the guts to look me in the eye or say good bye to me....nor I to him.

Chander sat at a desk working furiously on something, doing anything he could not to look at me. I packed up the lunch I hadn't eaten and half cleaned my desk off and yelled into Dan that I would be taking the rest of the day off. Dan didn't have the guts to say anything to me either. I said goodbye as I walked out the door. Neither one of them said a word.

I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I feel like I want to throw up. You know....I really didn't expect to get what I asked for, but a measly 40.00 per week for for 3 times the work and twice the responsibility? I waited until Howard retired. I waited until the sales were high enough that I knew Chander was making money. The look on the face that Howard gave me hurt the most. It was a look of defiance...a look like "There is nothing you can say or do...you aren't worth keeping around."

My low self esteem in in full bloom. I half hate myself for even starting the whole dialogue, thinking that I would be in a lot less pain to just stay a mealy mouthed turd who can't and won't stick up for herself. Deep in my heart, I know that I am worth every penny I asked for. It is going to be so hard to go back and work with them again....I wish I could just crawl into a hole.

I came home and called the former owner of Midtown Pallet. I told him that I would be leaving Midtown and asked if I could use him as a professional reference. He asked me why I was leaving and I told him. He asked what I was asking for and when I told him $600.00 per week, he told me that I was worth that and more. Him and Howard go way back with each other and remain good buddies even today. He went on to tell me that there were some financial loose ends regarding the sale of the company to Chander and that once they were tied he was expecting a sizable chunk of money back in which he was going to give me a huge bonus for all the help I have been to him over the years and for sticking with him throught the recession and the sale. He went on to tell me to list him as the reference instead of Howard or Chander and he would make sure that I got the most glowing reference that he could give me. He took my number down and said that he wanted to keep in touch and it there was anything he could help me with to please call.

My next phone call was to the CPA who used to do the accounting for Midtown before the Sale. Chander is such a cheap ass that he had me doing all the work of that CPA. I performed the duties of a full charge bookeeper and even filled out his tax forms and filed his taxes for him. The CPA, R.C., knew my work because I used to prepare reports for him and made his job much easier. Before I joined the company, R.C. used to get information from Howard written on the backs of old envelopes. When I started with Midtown, I developed an accounting systems for them. R.C. is not a man who doles out compliments easily, but has told me several times that I am worth my weight in gold to Midtown.

I explained R.C. that I was leaving Midtown and could I list him as a business reference whan I look for a new job. He was flabbergasted that I was leaving and I told him why. He said, "Did you tell Howard about this." I told him that Howard was the one who was behind the whole thing. I could practically hear his jaw hit the floor. He asked me what I had been doing for Chander in the past year. I told him and R.C. agreed wholeheartedly that asking $600.00 per week was not out of line.

The former owner and R.C. are good freinds of Howards. They all go way way way back together and are drinking and gambling buddies. It is going to piss off Howard that I told both of these fellows about my situation. I didn't do it to piss him off....I did it because I need references....but I am glad it will piss him off.

The former owner owns the largest pallet company in the midwest. It is a huge professionally run organization. I am hoping against hope that he offers me a job. It will be a drive of over an hour away, but will further my goal of being able to move farther out in the country where the property values are lower.

I am just sick with anxiety now. I really didn't think I would have to go and look for another job and I do. I really do. I am worth the $600.00 and to cheat myself out of that for fear of working in another office would be the epitome of living with low self esteem. I am wavering between fear of the unknown.......sadness that someone whom I thought so highly of, thinks no more of me than a bottom rung clerk and hatred for Chander...who is a spineless cheapass twit and Dan whom I looked at as a brother but am finding out is also a spinless twit. I shouldn't hate Larry...after all...it's not Larry's fault that he is getting paid $800.00 to do nothing....but I can't help but be resentful. I am going to have that throwing up feeling all weekend, dreading to go back into that shit hole and have to work for those turds. I can guarantee you though that I will NOT be doing any kind of bang up job for them...bare minimum...bare minimum baby.

The former owner told me not to even bother listing them as a reference...he said he would take care of that and that I don't have to worry about what I do or say to them. I am not completely putting my trust in him either. He can be a nice guy...but after all...he is just a businessman also and I am sure that everything he does is in HIS best interest too.

What a learning experience. I will never trust anyone again....only myself. I'm gonna go throw up now.

P. I. Yarnsmith

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