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6:14 p.m. - 2004-10-19 Staying GutsyI layed awake almost all night in a rigid state of gutsiness. Gutsiness is not a normal state for me. It goes against every molecule in my body. As strong as I can appear on the outside and as tough as I can talk, I am really just a scaredy cat who tends to throw her arms up in front of her face, turn her head and close her eyes and hope it all settles out without pain. The only way I can continue this plan is to stay gutsy. Staying gutsy means to not cry. Staying gutsy means to not go into a state of acceptance....this time...over this subject. Staying gutsy is essential to my survival. Changes need to be made and they need to be made now or I will forever drown in that deep pool that lies between mindless acceptance and seething resentment. One of these days my life will be over and I don't want the only thing I have to look back on to be this gutless existance, an existance that I keep myself in because I never want the pain that comes from rocking the boat. I went to work this morning hoping against all hope that Howard would not be in and I could hit Chander up for that raise today. Chander will only be in the office Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week and Monday and Tuesday are the days Howard has chosen to come in. That is why I chose Wednesday for the raise discussion. As I drove to work this morning, I hoped that Howard would somehow not be there so I could get it over with while I feel gutsy. I was surprised to find him absent and waited for Chander to come in. Alas, Howard was only late because he was waiting in line at his bank for a flu shot. By the time Chander arrived, so had Howard. I wanted to get this over with today because otherwise I will have to remain in a state of rigid gutsiness yet another night and like last night, I won't sleep well. Another reason is that gutsiness starts to disolve without action to keep it alive. In between the time I decided to have it out with Mike over his laziness and umemployment and the day I have chosen to ask for the raise, my mind has started to work against me and tell me that I am probably not worth such a large raise and that he will never agree to give me such a large increase all at one time. The part of me that contains my low self esteem, the part that lives in fear of not being good enough has started a covert action to wear away my gutsiness. What I am afraid of most is that he will say no and I will be forced to go look for another job. I am fully prepared to issue an utimatum (professionally stated of course) and go look for that new job. Making the money I deserve is crucial to the war I am waging to defeat the part of me that is infested with low self esteem. However, I really don't want to quit my little job that I am so completely suited to. My co workers are like my family. I know the pallet recycling business inside and out and most of all, I have no office politics to speak of. No women to compete with, no fancy clothes to wear, no pantyhose in my dresser drawer....no high heels to negotiate a path with...BUT...I will go a looking if I have to. I walked in the door at 4:30 this afternoon. The bathroom fan was whorrling loudly and my senses were filled with the smell of Coast deodorant soap and humidity, meaning that my industrious husband had just recently shed his pajamas. Like a kindergardener who had just made a pretty picture, he announced that he had just put his resume on Monster.Com. "That's good" I half heartedly replied. Excuse me for not getting excited but I know what I am in for. He will do the absolute bare minimum to keep me in this marriage and in this house. He will get some kind of dead end ten dollar an hour job. The job will be filled with "assholes" who piss him off. He will come home every day bitching and moaning and we will never have enough money to move out of the cracker box. The weekends will be spent waiting for him to wake up while I paint and rehab just like I do now. He will act like a martyr for doing what I ask....getting a job...and wonder why I am not happy. This is why I must remain gutsy. I need to go on with phase II of the husband plan and meet him at the shrinks office. I cannot go gutless on this one either. It could be weeks before he needs to see the shrink. I must keep up the gutsiness. Maybe if I practice enough, gutsiness will become my new personality. I think though, that gutsiness comes with just a tad of bitchiness and I don't do bitchiness well. I am sure most of you have heard of the serenity prayer....I should write a new variation...The Gutsiness Prayer. God, grant me the heart to not be a bitch, while granting me the gutsiness to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference between gutsiness and bitchiness. Please help me walk that fine line. I want to thank all of you out there in Diaryland who have taken the time to send me those encouraging notes. I really do believe that we have such a life changing and life enhancing forum here and you all are really and truly good friends. P. I. Yarnsmith
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