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9:42 p.m. - 2004-10-18 GUTSY ULTIMATUMSWell...I did it. In 25 years of marriage, I finally spoke my mind. Today we had to withdraw another 10,000.00 out of our retirement fund to live on. I told my husband that once we run close to the end of that money, we are putting the house up for sale and I am taking my half and leaving. Did that prompt any further discussion? No. The TV sound simply got turned back up and that is the last thing either one of has said to each other. Well, the cat's out of the bag now. Next step....I meet him at his phsyciatrist's office on his next appointment...probably about a month or so from now. Then phase two will start. If he gets his act together and makes some changes, maybe my heart will change too...if not...well he has had fair warning. Wednesday is the day that I ask for my raise. I have been putting it off and putting it off because I don't want to be told no. This is a real problem I have....standing up for myself. I don't ever want to hear anything negative so I don't ask and don't open my mouth and get very very accepting of things....I wobble back and forth between blissful acceptance and seething resentment....Neither place is a good place to be. Time For Guts!!!!I have been living in denial and pain for too long. Time to make some changes....open my mouth....stick up for myself. What's the worst that can happen...that I don't remain in a marriage with an unemployed depressed lump, living in a handyman special cracker box that I have to rehab by myself? If that's the worst that can happen...bring it on. What's the worst that can happen in my job? That the boss doesn't give me the raise I deserve, thereby confirming to me that I am not worthy and that I don't deserve more money...that I should have to work in a dirty environment with no benefits, no perks and no future or go out and get a new job....I'll go and get that new job damn it!!!! Well...if I never ask I'll never receive...I am condeming myself to a life I don't want to live...I am inwardly accepting that I don't deserve better. I am reaping the fruits of being a mealy mouthed, accepting, spinless jellyfish woman. A dead end job and a cracker box hole in the wall for a house. Could it get any worse? (Well, I guess I could be living in a shopping cart in the woods.) Time for guts. I do deserve better and for once I am going to go out and get it. The beginning of a big change has begun. The Paula with guts is emerging from a shell that has taken 13 years of sobriety to crack. Can you hear the crack..crack..crack of that giant hard shell? I gave my first ultimatum today...#2 is on Wednesday. Once I have opened my mouth...I won't be able to take anything back and that is exactly where I want to be. I am tired of that safe place of resentful acceptance. Whatever happens after this will happen....at least it will be different...at least it won't come from fear...at least it will come from my heart to my heart...time to forgive myself and move on to the better life I know I deserve. DAMN!..I FEEL POWERFUL!
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