9:27 a.m. - 2007-05-12
High Anxiety

High Anxiety

Nanoland has increased it's business over night 4 fold and lost 2 key employees. My workload is so great that a 50 hour week doesn't make a dent in it, yet, I am still expected to keep up the low priority stuff and meet my deadlines, with not flexibility. Yesterday, I gave my assistant a fool proof job that a 2 year old could do and left her alone with it so I could get other stuff done. When she finished, she gave me the pile of papers and assuming there was no way she could fuck it up, I put them aside for later.

Guess what....she fucked it up and I didn't notice until she was gone and it was too late to re-phone any of the vendors. I missed the deadline on the project that the job I gave her was for and will miss the biggest deadline I have, the financial statements because of it. I wouldn't mind all this extra work if it wasn't for the fact that I am expected to handle it and expected to continue to meet the deadlines. NANOMAN is not flexible.

He was out yesterday and I figured I could get something done without his constant interruptions and his constant rifeling through my files, leaving them in a mess (then he says "Paula these files are a mess, you have to take the time to clean them up), and all seemed well for the morning until he called in the afternoon and in one 5 minute phone call, dumped 16 more hours of work on me.

When I told him that I was underwater and there was no way I could get that stuff done, he said "Oh, you don't have to do it today, Monday morning is fine."

I told him there would be no time to get to it even then and he said "I understand" in a very understanding voice.

Then he says in a tone of voice one would reserve for a comment such as "hey, I'm gonna send you on a trip to Disneyland", he says "There will be lots of people here tomorrow, you could come in on Saturday and get a lot of this stuff done." -- Yeah...Right....for no extra pay....like I WANT to be her and just DIE to do this work. Plus, even if I did decided that it would be to my best interest to go in and get stuff done on Saturday for my own peace of mind, Nanoman would never leave me alone, he would monopolize all that time for new projects and other nit picky crap and come Monday, I would be even more behind than when I left Friday.

Monday, he will be pissed. Because of the Little Woodland Creature, an important report is done half assed. Tuesday the financial reports are due and I won't have the work done that enables me to do the financials until Thursday or Friday....that will really Piss him off.

I woke up this morning in one of the biggest anxiety attacks I have had since I quit drinking. I started having a nervous breakdown. Mike gave me one of his tranquilizers. An hour later it did no good. He gave me another one while I sobbed uncontrollably and told him "I can't take this anymore and you're part of this." I went on and told him that I cant continue to work this hard, then come home and have to take care of domestic stuff too while he sleeps til 2PM and does maybe two hours worth of house and yard work per day. I told him that I can't continue to drag him behind me.

I told him "I can't take your'e not working and I am very close to hanging all of this up and just walking out of here....and I am."

If I could sell this place and take my half of this place and whats left of our rapidly draining retirement account, I could move to a rural area in Illinois, buy a tiny house with cash and get a nice little minimum wage job and live a simple life with out the stress of corporate America and having to drag a useless man behind me.

If he were working, I could afford to tell Nanoman to go to hell and give my 2 weeks notice. Perhaps Nanoman would then offer me compensation for my late hours or more money to stay. I'm not sure I would but it would be a start. Even if I decided it wasn't enough, If Mike were working, even if he weren't making a lot of money, it would be something and I could afford to just leave Nanoland and find something new...maybe work as a temp for a while.

The biggest dilemma is the health insurance. It's not just about the money.

However, I do think that things have to get very bad before they get better. Maybe it will come to that....maybe I'll just quit and we can live on some of our retirement money until I can get this house ready for sale, sell it and then I'll be free....free of the baggage he loads on me....free of the house....free of the job....start fresh.

Sounds like it might be a logical plan...start over...fall back...regroup. I do know that once I left him it would be a good thing. There is not one doubt in my mind that my life would be enhanced by not having him around....the thing holding me back is Elgin. I really really love living here. I really wanted to make this my home. I am really enjoying my garden....If I go with my radical plan, I will lose that. He owns half the house an I can't keep it without him.

I got up at 6AM today. The two lorazapams did absolutely nothing to take the anxiety away. I cleaned a room, went through and tried on a ton of new clothes I bought and am about to go out and dig around in the garden....I think the only way to burn off anxiety is to work it off.....either that or drink and I am not going to do that. Talk about a decent into hell....one drink and I would start that downward slide....no thank you to that. I guess I won't ask him for any more of his pills either....my anxietly level is way beyond the reach of a tranquilizer. Gotta keep moving.....gotta fina a way.

I think I will be joining some others and leaving diaryland soon. I would like to post some pictures and don't want to pay to do that. Plus diaryland is not reliable and way too slow. I think it is time to ditch all sinking ships.

Thanks for listening to the rant of an anxiety ridden crazy woman.

P. I. Yarnsmith

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