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9:52 a.m. - 2005-01-02 Forging AheadI have spent most of the weekend loafing because I am anticipating a busy week ahead. Actually, I don't mind being busy at work it's just that I am an anxiety ridden fuss budget and the anticipation of this new job has me ready to jump out of my skin. Why do I get this way. I mean, I am going to sit at a desk and do a job....that's all. One of my fears is getting to know new people. I am extremely self conscience. Also I will once again be working with only men. Not another woman in site. That has it's advantages but it is also hard to buddy up to men when you are a woman. All in all, I do prefer male companionship to female....or at least I have in the past. I have gotten more girlish as time goes on though. I think that as one gets older the difference between men and women are even greater. When I was younger, I didn't worry about conversing with men, now it is different. Another fear of mine is that I won't be busy enough. I am not only capable of multi-tasking, but I NEED to multi-task. I am happiest when I have 5 things to do at once. OH, I might groan about it but I notice that after a day of extreme multi-tasking, I am so alive. I am so stimulated, happy, upbeat and the time flys by so fast. I expressed a fear to my girlfreind that I was concerned about not being busy enough and having the time drag on slowly. I fear not having enough to do, having to look busy, not being able to be on the internet and not having anyone to chat with. There is nothing worse in the whole world than having to LOOK busy. At Midtown Pallet, when I was done with my work, I could openly pull out a book or newspaper..what a luxury. Most places will not allow that. My girlfreind told me not to worry. She said that if they are paying me $32,500.00 plus insurance, she is sure they have some quagmiere for me to straigten out. I hope she is right. Sometimes I think though that to someone not used to the office side of running a business...what they call a quagmiere will be easy for me. I learn in AA that we should not PROJECT. Most of us project and come up with all kinds of things in our minds that we might have to endure. 99.9 percent of the time, our expectations and fears are wrong. I practice not projecting....but sometimes I can't help it. All I have to do today in preparation for tomorrw is go out and buy some Knee highs, do a load of laundry, pack my lunch, lay out my clothes and give the house a lick and a promise. We will have some freinds over after the Bears game and before dinner to exchange Christmas gifts. I will try to get to bed at a decent hour as I will have to get up at 6AM for work. I was used to 6:30. I now have to eat breakfast at home as one of the employee handbook's rules were "No Eating At Your Desk". This should automatically be good for 20 or 30 pounds over the course of the year. I will also start my diet tomorrow as I am self conscience about eating in front of people I dont' know. One more thing to get used to....no smoking on the job. Because I am no longer addicted to nicotine and capable of going with out cigarettes for 8 or 9 hours if I am busy....this should not be a problem. However, if I am not busy....it will be. Another resolution is that once I am settled into this job and relaxed about it, I will cut the final hand to mouth habit and give them up altogether. To end this posting on a positive note. My shopping trip the other day was the most successful I have ever had. I hate dressing rooms so I buy lots of clothes without trying them on, making my best guess as to cut, fit and size and take them home. I always try them on the next morning after my shower. Every single time, I have to go back to the store and take at least 1/2 of what I bought back. Friday, along with that really cool jacket (which I did try on), I bought a sweater, two blouses, and two pair of pants. Not only did they all fit, they fit like they were made for me. How Cool is that????? A bitchin pink jacket for half off and all the other clothes were made for me. WOW!...this is one for the history books. Despite my fears of starting the new job tomorrow, I am also eager to get past it..I am eager to complete this first awkward week and get back to some normalcy. I always welcome normalcy after the holidays. Tree will come down tonight and my furniture will once again fit in my living room. P. I. Yarnsmith
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