10:05 a.m. - 2004-10-24
Facing The Future

How scary am I

See results of the quiz from a link on acaldwells diary.

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

I am surprised that the quiz found me a little scary as I am a JELLYFISHWOMAN!!!!!!!

It must have been the answer I put about how long ago I made someone cry. I know I made my husband cry last week when I gave him the ultimatum. OH, he didn't cry in front of me...but I am sure he did.

I hope I made Howard cry when he left the other day when Chander, the spineless twit, made him do the dirty work of giving me a raise so low they knew I would never accept it. I hope the look on my face as I left the office and as he walked by my desk to leave the building made him cry....because the look on my face was of a face about to burst into tears. After all the years I worked for him and all the fun we've had and as much as I've confided in him, he would be a heartless pig not to feel something for me at all.

I have been thinking about that whole ordeal and why it would be any skin off of his nose to have Chander give me more money. Although there used to be a bonus plan for him under the new owner and there probably will be one again in the future for Dan, I know there is not one now. I know this for 2 reasons. A. Howard is starting to draw social security and cannot make more than a few hundred dollars per week and B. I remember now when Dan was negotiating his new salary, Chander wanted to pay him only 800.00 per week to do a job worth more than 1000.00. He offered Dan 800.00 plus a percentage of the profits. At the time, sales were down and Chander was spending money like a drunken sailor on new equipment and other things. (Everything except for salaries). Dan turned down any kind of percentage or bonus offerings because he wanted a guaranteed salary. He figured that in a year, if sales were up that he could renegotiate and then maybe get on a bonus plan.

This leaves me to deduce that it would be no skin off of either Howard or Dan's noses if Chander paid me more money. This leads me to only one conclusion and that is, Chander either wants me to work cheap, or wants me out of there. Being that women are second or even third class citizens in the Hindu community, that would make sense.

I think I know what happened now. During the last year since Chander has been the owner, a number of things have come up regarding employees that Chander forced Dan or Howard to handle. They confided in me that this was emotionally tough on them because we have built a nice little family environment there and just about everybody who works there is like family. Howard has never been a tough disciplinarian. As a matter of fact some people there get away with murder because they take advantage that Howard is not a corporate business type but an ex- truck driver....a former working man....a former union steward. He knows what it is like to have to work for "THE MAN"!

Dans job depends on working for Chander. He would not be earning this much money elsewhere. The opportunity for him to grow with Chander is great. The experience he will gain as General Manager of a manufacturing concern will enable him to leave Chander some day and go on and make good money elsewhere....but for now, it is in Dan's best interest to suck up to Chander and stay employed.

Dan is even more of a softy than Howard can be....much more. I am betting that Chander told Dan and Howard that he was not going to give me a raise and that it was Dan's job to tell me. I am betting now that Dan called Howard in to do this because he couldn't. I am betting even further that the only reason I am getting the extra 10 percent may be a concession that Chander made to Howard and that is where the remark about the extra money making up for the time I will be off looking for a job came up.

I don't know....Maybe I am being a bit of a(and I am going to borrow a word from dland buddy sasori-gal) Pollyanna, but I just can't believe that my buds, Howard, Dan and Larry would gang up on me like that unless it was Chander putting their jobs on the line against mine.

In the almost 13 years of working with them I have never seen them try to screw anyone. OK, I can't say that Howard was ever a raise giver....he meated out small raises once in a while and always was happy to find that an employee went on to bigger and better things. He has given glowing references to people. I guess he just figured that Midtown Pallet wasn't a place where you went to make money...It has always been an easy place to work and I guess he figured if you wanted money...you could go somewhere where they would pay you more money. He liked to hire brand new truck drivers because they would work cheap, but they would get the experience they needed to go elsewhere. I suppose that in a way, working there has given me more training in that I was qualified to be an Accounts Receivable Clerk before Midtown Pallet and now I am qualified to be an Office Manager. At least I hope I am.

Anyway, tomorrow will be hard. I will have to do what my dland buddy, kidspinkcat, said in a note and "put on my game face". I sure hope I can show up there tomorrow and not want to cry. I know that when Chander comes in, I will have no problem shooting daggers out of my eyes. I will never ever list him as a reference and therefore don't give a DAMN!!! about what he thinks of me. I imagine getting a giant headache from trying to hold back the tears. I wonder if Howard and Dan will try to talk to me before Chander comes in or if they will just try not to look at me. This is going to be a tough one tomorrow.

Then there is the dual fear of going out and finding that other job. There is even a fear of having to go out and buy and wear business clothes. I havn't worn much more than jeans and t-shirts in 13 years save an occasional monkey suit for an occasional special event. Finding the job will only be half the fear....starting the new job...getting through that first week..the first month...what if I don't like it..blah blah blah blah!!!!!

I AM TERRIFIED!!!!!

Sometimes I am not good at this one day at a time crap....but it is the only way I can live right now. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin with the feeling of UNKNOWN!!!!

Will be grabbing more AA meetings...it's either that or drugs.

I also agree wholeheartedly with dland buddy minstrelite, that I need to step out of my comfort zone and go to places unknown. Deep in my heart, I know this will be good for me. I just can't stagnate where I am. Thanks again buddies for all the (((HUGS!!!))) and good wishes.

P. I. Yarnsmith

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