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7:29 p.m. - 2004-10-11 Thankyou BuddiesI want to thank all of you who commented on my bitching and moaning yesterday. It was one of those days when the armour I wear on a daily basis was not completely protective. Sometimes I leave the helmut off and I start thinking, dreaming and wishing too much. I usually go through my days with my head up and just try to do the next right thing. I try not to let my marital situation keep me from living a full life and being happy. I realize that I am in a (excuse the language) "shit or get off the pot" situation. In other words, I can talk all I want, but the truth is, I don't know if I have the guts to leave. The guts meaning the ability to look into sad eyes and realize that I have caused someone pain. I keep telling myself, better to hurt his feelings than to wish him dead. Otherwise I know I want out. I have prayed many times for God to reveal to me whether it is in his will for me to leave or stay. The last time I prayed, during the prayer, I got the revelation that I should ask my boss for the raise I deserve and then would have the wherewithall to support myself. Other ideas as to how to facilitate this seperation also came to mind and after that I sort of felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders. This is when I first realized that I could indeed leave if I wanted to. I sort of felt like Dorothy with the red slippers, like I had the ability all along, but needed to find it out for myself. The next step is asking for the raise. If and when I get the means to support myself, I will pray again and see where the next thing takes me. No decision will be made rashly, I've been in this spot for 25 years and if it takes another year to get out, that is fine. One step at a time, One day at a time. I wonder where I will be a year from now? Tomorrow I promise to let the sun back in. P. I. Yarnsmith
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