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10:30 a.m. - 2004-10-10 Autumn The Autumn colors have peaked this weekend in Illinois. Most trees still have their leaves and most have turned. By next weekend there will be more on the ground than on the trees. Why can't this particular time of the season last 5 or 6 weeks. We have vivid blue skies, are expecting temperatures around 70 and just enough breeze to make the leaves on the ground rustle against each other and make that cool rustling sound. All the senses are stirred. Sight of color, the sound of rustling leaves, the smell of crisp clean air, the taste of a crisp fresh picked apple and all the neat seeds and pods and potpourri stuff you can pick up on a nice walk. I love this time of year. I was going to go on a ride out to the country with my sister and brother in law to see my nephew march in a band competition. It would be a beautiful day for it and it would be all outdoors. The added sound of marching band music would stimulate the hearing senses even further. Alas....I have work to do around the house. For 4 weeks now I have been meaning to finish patching, priming and painting my hallway and need to put another coat of stain on an unfinished pine table. The table needs to be done outside and I don't want to risk it getting too cold by waiting another week. All this home improvement work to be done on a day that I should be out in the country enjoying the peaking autumn season with my family, listening to marching band music makes me even more angry at the unemployed lump still slumbering peacefully in his SpongeBob Pj's (hard to want to get intimate with a lump in SpongeBob pj's....his other Pj's are little snowmen)...I digress...anyway this unemployed lump is either, sleeping, sipping coffee in his Pj's or watching Perry Mason reruns or COP's reruns and my house stays a handyman special that I have to rehab on weekends after working extra hard trying to earn a promotion and extra pay at work. I am consoling myself that this just fuels the anger I need to leave his ass. My co-workers seem that it will be certain I will get this raise. The General Manager says he can't go without me and that I deserve it. Everyone here is literally in training right now and he won't be able to afford to let me walk. Plus....I am grossly underpaid and for what I do. Even with the raise, I will still be underpaid. This raise will enable me to support myself and if I can get the guts to leave him, and once this house is sold and I get my 50,000.00 out of the equity we have, I will be able to move farther out and get a nice single family home with a yard to plant veggies in. I could move to Rockford, Illinois and get a nice, historic style home in great condition for about 125,000.00. Ok...it's not the country, but it is an old small city with nice character and will be only 1 hour drive from work. I will have to go that far to get the house I want...but I am willing to drive to get it. Now...I am big on dreams....I could dream my life away and even though I start trying to make the dreams a reality, I always seem to stop short of success. As a matter of fact, I am starting to get cold feet asking for this raise....why...maybe I fear the change divorce would bring, even though that in my heart I know that after the first year of hell that divorced people go through, my life will improve a million percent. Maybe I fear it won't improve. We have been married 25 years and to say that I don't have feelings for this man would be a collossal lie. Our marriage has never been good...not for me...I think it has been good for him. I am so lonely in this marriage. I do everything alone. Family parties...he won't come and if I make him, the misery he feels at being there is written all over his face. We never go anywhere or do anything and when we do, he is capable of having fun for about 2 hours and then he gets pissy and wants to go home. He gets pissed off easily at every little thing and I hear the words "God Damn Mother Fucker Cocksucker" about 100 times per day. I am not exaggerating...really 100 times per day. Swearing at the remote control...the toaster...the DVD player...anything that won't work his way when he wants it to work. Yet....I feel for him. He is like a lost little boy who has never learned to live. A lonely soul who has no idea how to love, give or spend time with other people. I would like to say that he loves me, but I don't think he does. I think he depends on me. How I ever fell in love with this boggles my mind. I try to remember back to when we got together and what the attraction was. It must have been the drugs and alcohol we had in common. Together we wandered this world in a haze...supporting each other's haze....just the two of us..that's all we needed. I am using diaryland to be cathartic today. I need to vent. I know I need to get out....I fear getting out...when I think about the mechanics of getting out, I go into an anxiety attack. How, when, where, what comes first, getting an apartment to run off to or telling him and then having to live with him, knowing what I'm going to do until I find a place. I will have to pay 1/2 of the bills here for awhile until all is settled and we can sell the place....so I need an apartment that is cheap...that leads me back to Rockford. I can't stay with family because I have cockatiel and a cat and will not give them up. Then I worry about letting him stay here in our house, being the one responsible to keep it clean enough to show. He is a pig. We will never get top dollar for this house if he lives here while it is being shown...yet I am going to be the one who has to leave because he won't. He doesn't have the money to buy me out and even if he did, he wouldn't be able to afford the place on his own...even if he had a job. Our equity in our home is 100,000.00 or a bit more and we have 140,000.00 in a retirement fund that is being rapidly drained from his unemployed status. Maybe he could just let me have the retirement fund, and keep the house. That leaves two problems. 1. Being the initiator of the divorce, I would never get the easy way out and 2. that leaves zero retirement money for both of us. Well...I had just better keep the rest of my random thoughts to myself. I could go on all day. One thing for sure though, I do need to finish painting and sprucing this place up whether I stay or I go as it is not suitable to go up for sale the way it is...and if I choose to stay...I can't live with it the way it is. P. I. Bitcher and Moaner.
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