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6:17 p.m. - 2004-08-17 My StoryThank you all for the wonderful notes. I was a little overwhemed. I have never gotten so many notes about an entry before. I guess there is something I should clarify and something that I feel comfortable enough now to tell all of. So here I go. When I mentioned that I lost my parents young, I guess I should have been more clear. I was not orphaned as a child or anything so tragic....but Dad, the most wonderful Dad that God ever put on Earth in my opinion, dropped dead of a massive heart attack that he took while mowing the lawn one day. He was 49 and I though he was old, but now I am 48 and realize that he was not. I was 19 and pretty much sowing my wild oats and my sisters were 16 and 13 respectively. This left my Mother a single Mother of 3 teenagers which was very very very hard....especially since the oldest teenager...me...was starting to dabble in drugs and booze. Mom died at the age of 65, almost 8 years ago, after battling non Hodgkins Lymphoma for 3 years. I realize that 65 isn't extremely young and that I was 40 when she died, but in an age when people live to be in there 90's and with her youthful attitude, I felt it was much much much to young to die and that we were not ready to lose her. So, when I say my parents died young....I guess I meant...they died before their time.....long before their time. Actually Mom was doing real well when she died. She was off the Chemo therapy and her hair had grown back. One day she woke up to a broken foot. Didn't know how it broke. We all flew to a family wedding in Weirton, West Virginia and at the wedding she was fine and having fun. She introduced us to relatives long removed and ate all her dinner and part of mine. Some time after dinner she disappeared and we found her laying on a cot inthe bathroom shivering with several coats on top of her....We got her to the hospital and things went from bad to worse and in 3 days she was gone...It was a shock to me because I didn't expect her to go for a long long time. We knew she wouldn't live for long, but we figured we had a few more years and she was feeling so good. What is kind of cool about the whole thing though is that she died in her home town and we had a funeral for her right there....even old school chums were able to come...it was almost prophetic. As for me...the partying I mentioned above continued through my marriage and having a child. I was not yet an alcoholic during my pregnancy, so I did not drink while preganant...but I smoked Pot and continued to drink and smoke througout my 20's. About the time I hit 30, I had pretty much given up the Pot...Oh, I would still smoke a little here and there..but it was the booze that I craved. The booze was my whole personality in a bottle. Everything was easier for me to do with a little booze in me. I joined clubs, did school stuff, went to girl scout functions....everything that a normal Mother would do, except I had to have a little nip before any event. Without the little nip, I couldn't function socially, with a little nip, I could sit in the Mayors office and talk to him one on one and feel his equal. I did lots of embarrassing things. Eventually, it got worse and worse. I no longer liked to drink....I had to drink.....I no longer wanted to drink....but I couldn't quit....Oh how I desired to live normally and have normal freinds..I tried to too. I didn't hang out with losers....I actually tried to do the things everyone else does....I just had to drink or I would shake. I got to the point where I had to drink every 2 hours to keep from shaking. I don't remember the thought process that led me to go in the hospital for treatment. I guess that night I made a choice to live. I was so physically sick that every day started off with 2 hours of throwing up. I would throw up and drink...throw up and drink...throw up and drink....until finally enough booze stayed down to stabilize me. Then I would get dressed and go about my business. At this point....I needed booze to feel normal....it no longer made me high....it made me feel normal. Once out the door, my entire day was consumed with how I was going to get more booze, how I was going to sneak it in to work, how I was going to sneak a drink, how I was going to cover it up, and how I was going to do it all over again. My entire life revolved around drinking, not eating, and throwing up....MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!! This is what was going on with me...it would take a book to tell you what it was doing to my poor little girl. Anyway...that night...I put myself in the hospital...I PUT MYSELF IN THE HOSPITAL...If anyone else had made me go..I wouldn't be sober today....I thank the Lord for intervening and causing the thought patterns to gel that put me in that hospital. When they did a breathalyzer on me...I blew a .36...enough to kill a horse. This is an abridged version for the sake of space and time...there was much damage done...I probably had another 6 months to live. There was damaged credit, damaged lives, damaged health and damaged opportunities that I will never get back. I have been sober almost 13 years now. I am a grateful, recovering alcholic and don't even pretend that I can ever drink again..(or do any drugs). I am sober by the grace of God and Alcoholics Anonymous, a group which I would never be able to stay sober without. My daughter is grown now and is doing rather well for such a stinky upbringing....one thing good...I got sober when she was 11 years old and all throughout the high school years...she was spoon fed the 12 steps without even knowing it. She has a maturity and insight that is way beyond her years. I thank God that she is OK. I got to be sober 5 years with my Mother. Our relationship had been strained through much of my life, but that last 5 years was wonderful. Dad died before I was a drunk....but I was an oddball....I've always been an oddball and I still am. Thanks for letting me spill and for all of you who have an interest in my lil ol life. God Bless you all for being out there in cyberspace. P. I. Yarnsmith
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