6:41 p.m. - 2005-02-14
Many thoughts this day of love

Many Thoughts Today

Happy Valentines Day Everybody. Just when I thought I found a perfectly boring, normal place to work I realize that it too is filled with Characters. Take the company owner for instance. He is a 40ish, somewhat attractive man, well mannered, business like, and a bundle of energy. He is very very nice and gives me compliments and makes me feel welcome. What is out of character for him though is his use of potty language. It just rolls out of him like everyday speech. In the middle of a meeting he will say, "What can we do about this situation to keep from pissing all over ourselves."

The other day, I reminded him of something he forgot to do and he said "Oh Fart". Last Friday when I reminded him that he had to come by and sign some checks he said "Oh Poop....I'm sorry to be such a turd about that." He doesn't use this language in a nasty way....it just pops out, in every conversation there is a reference to some kind of body emission. I just about crack up every time.

Today, the man I report to was in the office behind me with all the other guys talking at the top of his lungs telling a Valentines day story from long ago. He started by saying he had a hard on....the guys started laughing and he clarified that he had a "Heart On"....as it was Valentines Day.

He went on to explain that he had to leave early because his wife and 5 daughters love to celebrate Valentines day and one year he was late coming home from a business trip. They have never let him forget that day.

He went on to tell a story about how he had been in the car since 2PM and it was 6PM when he had to pee really bad. It was cold outside and he pulled over in a desolate area to let it out. Then he went on about how hard that was because of the shrinkage factor. While trying to pee, a good samaritan came along and asked if she could help him. He said no and waved her on and another and another came along. He moved his car to another place and tried again, pointing out again, the shrinkage factor. Another good samaritan. Over an hour later he was still trying to find a quiet dark place to pee, while his bladder felt like it was going to burst.

He found a plastic bag in his car and decided to pee into the bag while driving, intending to throw it out the window. The bag slipped depositing the pee all over him and the car and once he had started, he couldn't shut off the tap. When he arrived home he was 2 hours late and covered in pee. His wife was all bummed because she baked cupcakes.

On his way out the door, he asked if I heard his story. I nodded and said "too much information."

That's not as bad as the company owner of the pallet company who went to Germany and attended Octoberfest and took a stack of photographs. One of them was of him standing naked, sideways in a fountain. He put that one in the middle of the stack and waited for me to come upon it. Boy did he have a good laugh when he saw the look on my face. I could barely look at him after that.

This Valentines Day, I was thinking about my daughter's first Valentines Day. She was 16 and had her first steady boyfriend. He was late picking her up and she was sure she was in for a night of romance that had been planned in advance by her Romeo. She was pacing the floor waiting for him to arrive and I said, "Chill out, he is probably at Jewel (our local food store), picking up a card and a cheap box of candy."

Furiously she turned to me and said, "He's more thoughful than that, I'm sure he got me something nice and he's made reservations for dinner."

Sure enough when he finally came driving down the street, he came from the direction of Jewel and not the direction of his house. Turns out that he didn't think to make reservtions either. They were not able to get a seat at a good restaurant at that late hour. This was her first lesson in men. The Hallmark stores have lines running out the door and around the block at 5PM on Valentines Day. Ever since, she has carefully chosen the type of man who will think of her in advance on romantic holidays and birthdays.

Now...there is something bothering me. If the word "Cleave" means to join together. Then why is a cleaver a tool used to divide something already joined together and why is a cleft palate, a palate that has not grown together. Why is a cloven hoof, a hoof that is divided. Cleft, cleaver, and cloven are all derivitives of the word cleave which means to join, yet the dirivitives mean the oposite.

Another observation....Now I love art. I even love modern art. But come on....has anybody seen that public art display everbody is oohing and ahing about in Central Park....Orange sheets hung on Orange goal posts and you are supposed to walk under them. This is supposed to be the largest public art display in the history of New York City. It took 26 years for the artists to develop this. All I can say is why am I busting my butt in an office listening to men talk about piss when I could be hanging colored sheets around town and be an artist.

Other people might be pretending to be intellectual and going along with this display as being a wonderful work of art but I am going to be the one who shouts out "The Emperor Has No Clothes."

That's all for now....

P. I. Yarnsmith

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