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7:31 p.m. - 2004-10-05
Poop Reports

Poop Reports

OK...Tonight I am going to change from adult movie critic to 10 year old. Thus my subject tonight will be Poop Reports.

Does anyone out there have anyone in their life who insist on giving poop reports? What is wrong with these people.

My Mother in Law will not only give a poop report, she will give a vomit report. When she feels ill, which is on any given day, she will tell you how often she did it, what color it was and what the consistancy was, although her specialty is vomit reports. Most conversations start like this. "Hi Mom, how are you today?"

"Oh, A'm not too good today." she will start in a slow southern drawl, with a deep gravelly voice brought on by too much smoking in her earlier years. "I vomnited up ma breakfast and vomnited up ma lunch and A'm afraid I might vomnit up ma dinner." (yes, she says vomnited not vomited). At 88 years old she is still healthy though, so vomniting must be good for you.

Once we all went to a 4th of July celebration at a park and she ate an Italian Sausage. We had a wonderful time and she couldn't believe all the fun she had. She said, "You know, Ah usually get sick when Ah eat an I-talian sausage, but Ah was having such a good tahm that Ah didn't notice that Ah got sick." Sheesh!!!!

My Aunt has a freind who calls every so often to say hi, and each conversation starts with a poop report. She will start off telling my Aunt all about her bodily functions, going back to the last time she talked her, expounding on the size and color of each log and how she felt before it came out. What makes people think you want to here this information?

Then their is our truck driver Tom. Tom will come back from a long long ride and head right for the John. Everyone in the office will be busy and not even looking at him. He could easily enter the bathroom unoticed, but he always has to make sure you see him go in. "Anybody using this thing?" he will ask, pointing at the open door of the obviously empty john.

"Nope", someone will say back.

"Good" he'll reply, "because I really gotta go."

Tom will be in the bathroom a while and at some point in time we will hear the fan go on. When he comes out he also feels the need to coment. "Dude...don't go in there man, I mean what ever it was I ate for lunch didn't agree with me....whew."

We take his word for it and let the fan do it's magic before entering.

Does anyone else in D-land have a Poop reporter in their lives...please don't tell me I am the only one.

P. I. Yarnsmith

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