5:44 p.m. - 2004-07-21
The Homeless Man is a Squirrel

THE HOMELESS MAN IS A SQUIRREL

We used to have a big beautiful, proliferous apple tree on our townhome property. It grew enough apples for the entire neighborhood to get our fill of apple crisp.

One day I was leaving for work and noticed that the homeless guy who lives in the woods down the block was on his bicycle underneath our apple tree having a free breakfast of our apples. That didn't bother me so much, but he just stared at me while I locked up my door and walked to my car and drove away. All I could think about was that this guy knew that I had just left for the day and as far as I knew...he could be enjoying the hospitality of my home while I was out.

I had seen this man before, riding up and down the street on his rusty, garbage picked bike, having just come out of the woods and looking like it too. I called the police to voice my concern and ask if they couldn't put him in the poor house or something and the female officer who answered was shocked that I wouldn't feel more compassion for this "harmless soul who just wanted to be left alone" The tone in her voice was sharp as if I suggested taking him to the vet and having him put to sleep.

"There are no poor houses anymore" she snapped.

The officer assured me that the last thing the poor soul wanted was to come into my home and with that, I hung up, feeling like a heartless meanie for suggesting that this man be taken somewhere where there was food and a warm bed and God forbid....a shower.

I must digress here a bit to fill you in on another story that will help finish the story I just started.

Every year, for 18 years, I have tried to grow tomatoes. I plant one plant per year and ALWAYS get ONE TOMATO. No matter where I plant it...in the ground or in a pot...on the south side of the house or on the west side. Whether I give it water or not, whether I fertilize it or not....I get one tomato.

Exactly three years ago...at the first homeless man sighting. My tomato started disappearing, just on the very day that it was at it's peak picking point of ripeness. Now when you only get one tomato per year, you really look forward to it.

Along with the homeless man, Three years ago is the year that my neighbors father trapped 3 squirrels that were raiding his garden and brought them to our property because we didn't have any squirrels. Nice Man.

Anyway....for three years I have been blaming the homeless man for picking my ripe tomato. This year, I planted the tomato plant where it could not be seen from the street and where a neighbor surely would have noticed a strange, dirty man poking around.

A few days ago,I knew the tomato was ripe and it was a bigun this year. We were planning on enjoying it for dinner, the hubby and I, and I was getting ready to fix dinner when Mike walked in and said, "Did you pick that tomato today?"

Suspiciously, I answered "NOOO?"

"Well, It's gone" he yelled with disgust in his voice.

I screamed "The Homeless guy....it had to be that damned homeless guy"

Deep inside though I wondered because I haven't seen the homeless guy for a least a year...maybe more.

Later on in the evening, Mike spied something red underneath 3 pine trees. There was 1/2 of that giant, beautiful tomato...gouged, sucked on and covered with little squirrel sized teeth.

"Looks like you found your homeless guy and he is that damned squirrel" said Mike.

I guess I owe an apology to the homeless guy.

P. I. Yarnsmith

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