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11:38 a.m. - 2005-12-31 The Longest Year?...Or Was It The Shortest?This will be my 2005 year in review entry. Since you all lived through it with me I will make it short and sweet. This has been the hardest, uncertain, scariest, wonderful, life changing, exciting, tearful, emotional, roller coaster ride, and every other adjective one can think of...year of my life. In past years I have had my parents pass on, I have gone through the regular rites of passage we all go through, I have quite drinking and drugging and all have been life changing, but 2005 is the year I finally found myself....after 49 years, I finally found myself. I finally know who I am and where I want to go. I am exhausted and ready for a little rest...then, I'm gonna get right back on that high horse and ride it a little farther up the ladder (can you ride a horse up a ladder?) As 2004 came to a close, I made a series of moves and decisions that would set up 2005 as my most life changing year. It was only November 1st, 2004 that I dared ask my employer for a huge raise, threatening to quit if I didn't get it. My request was pretty much understood as "don't let the door hit you on your ass on the way out." What a blow. My ego was shattered, my already low self esteem, lower. I made a trip to see my Grandmother in West Virginia, knowing that I wouldn't get a vacation for another year and at 100 years old, who knows when the end would be. I took photographs and a little 3 minute movie of her and got an hours worth of audio tapes telling stories of her past. 2 weeks later on Christmas Eve, she left us for good....at 100, I had the feeling that she would always be here, knowing full well that was not possible. My new job almost doubled my salary and gave me skills I didn't have, a The title of "Full Charge Bookkeeper" instead of "secretary" or no title at all and gave me a discipline of having to dress properly for work, not smoke at my desk, arrive on time without exception, and work all day with no break at breakneck speed. I have become a multitasker extrordiaire. My new job gave me the leverage I needed to get my new house. It is a fulfullment of a dream of my entire adulthood to have a nice house with character in an old historic town. Mike would never have made this move and when he was the breadwinner, it was him who held me back from this. Now I call the shots because he is livng off of my money. I almost left my husband and right now I am glad that I didn't. Even though he is not working outside of the home, he is taking care of some heavy things in this house that I have to admit I would not have had time for. Taking care of him Mother is also a full time job and even though I don't relish the fact that I have to share my dream with a woman I pretty much can't stand, I am also learning from this experience and gaining patience and learning to share. Mike has become energized as a result of this move. He has become my partner in life again. Because of these changes. The low self esteem and feeling of self worth I have harbored my entire life has now been boosted to a normal level. I now feel deserving and able to achieve goals I used to only dream about. I am much more disciplined at work and at home. For once, I feel like I do have a future. Where is 2006 taking me? Well, I will once again go on a job hunt. I did get my raise and won't go running out of my current job but will put my resume out there and set my sights very very high. I am no longer desperate for a job and will only entertain offers from employers willing to give me much much more than I have now. I can afford to turn down offers that I feel are beneath me. I have leanred how to negotiate for what I want. Other than that, I am dedicating 2006 to the final thing that is holding me back from complete happiness....weight loss and health. I am dedicating 2006 to finally growing up and accepting that no one will take care of me but me and I am going to treat my body like it matters. I am going to cease eating like a pig and get my butt moving. I am going to get healthy. When I do, I am going to buy a closet full of some really bitchin clothes. I am not only going to eat for health, I am going to treat my entire being..this will be a health plan for mind, body, and spirit. I look forward to another wild ride in 2006. Happy New Year and I wish you all the same wild ride to wherever you want to go. It is possible.
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