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10:57 p.m. - 2006-12-16 A Life Altering Gift15 years ago, after only a few months sobriety, I had a spiritual experience I will never forget. This spiritual experience led me to the conclusion that there exists, a power greater than myself; a divine creator entity whom I choose, for a lack of any other name to call God. I have always been keenly aware of my own conspicuousness. Maybe I�ve always been self centered but during my life, whenever I thought I had said or done something I deemed stupid, I would dwell on it and in my mind it would be something others in the same room with me when I said or did the self defined stupid thing would judge me for and in my mind, I was always judged harshly. This is part of my alcoholism and whether I drink or not, these feelings persist and are something I must live with. A common defense mechanism I have also employed during most of my life is to run away. Remove myself from the social group in which the stupid thing was said and never go back. This has been a socially developmental hindrance as I have a hard time forming deep relationships. Perhaps that is why I find the Internet a good place to develop friendships. When no one is reading my body language, and I can communicate through words that I can delete before posting, I am less likely to pop off and say something I deem stupid, and then I don�t have to read and interpret the look on your face should something odd or stupid slip out. I was about to employ such a defense mechanism when I had my spiritual experience. I had been going to AA meetings and being one who is not comfortable in large groups of people, I had found one meeting I felt at home with. After a few months of sobriety, I found myself going only to this one meeting, once per week, when I should have been going more often, especially newly sober and not having yet fully grasped the concepts of the 12 steps or even the first 3 steps. At one particular meeting, I said something that caused a look on a couple of faces that I read as being a �what in the hell did that loony tune say� look. I went home and stewed about it for that night and the rest of the week. Somewhere in that week, I decided that if I never went back to that meeting, I would never have to face those people again and I could relax. However, I knew that if I stopped going to that last meeting and if I didn�t get a handle on some of my personality defects that were causing me to want to hide away, particularly hiding away in a drunken stupor, that the day would come that I would drink again. I knew that if I drank again, that would be the end of my life. I had grasped the concept of the first step. �I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.� I knew what powerlessness was and my life had not only become completely unmanageable, but I was physically, at death�s door. For a while, that one step was enough to keep me sober, but I knew I would need to progress or stagnate and therefore was trying to grasp the concept of step 2, �Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.� Despite a strong Christian upbringing, I still had trouble with some kind of proof there was indeed a supreme power in the universe and if that supreme power gave a rat�s ass about me. I have always felt there was a God and often found myself talking to the sky, usually some kind of fox hole prayer to beg whatever power there was to get me out of a jam. This particular morning, when I was about the make the decision not to go back to AA ever, I felt like I was in a terrible jam. I knew I had to go back but my character defect of running away was winning the struggle within me. I sat in my living room on the couch crying, struggling with my self, screaming to God, help me�help me�why can�t I survive situations like this.
�I don�t want to drink again and I don�t want to keep running away.� I said as I shook my fist at the ceiling. Just at that moment, I felt a feeling that I can only describe as a massive power stamping, imprinting a phrase on the very fabric of my mind.
That phrase was, �They have seen you in so many other ways.� Along with that phrase was imprinted an instant understanding of the phrase. That understanding can best be summed up like this. You are at a party. Someone is taking snapshots of moments in time. A snapshot is taken of you and you have a really stupid look on your face. (How many times has that happened to each one of us?). Although that moment in time was captured, no one else in the room at the time saw that stupid look. They certainly don�t remember you with the foolish look on your face, as you only looked like that for the briefest of moments and everyone who knows you know what you really look like. They know you by the way they usually see you. In the same way, I was shown that no one judges you by one thing said. They judge you by your total character, revealed during the time they have known you. I instantly understood that although what I said might have momentarily perplexed the people I was talking to, all they were was momentarily perplexed. They most likely never gave it another thought. It was only me who kept that snapshot in my mind to look at and beat myself up over for an entire week. It was not only the message that allowed me to firmly believe that there was a power greater than myself and that the power did indeed care about little old me, but the way the message was delivered. Like a huge branding iron, searing the message into my brain. I have never felt that way before or since. It was exponentially powerful. I did indeed go back to that meeting. It became my home group and instrumental in my sobriety which reached 15 years on December 10, 2006. In recent times, I have been struggling with the Jesus issue. I said above, that I was raised in a strong Christian home. However, I have always had trouble with the validity of the Jesus story. I have always had questions that even members of the clergy could not answer. Having said that, upbringing is a powerful thing. I am almost afraid to not believe that Jesus was the Son of God. The problem is, no matter how much I say the words, �I believe� there is more doubt than faith. Something�s just don�t make sense to me. Another thing is that almost every denomination of Christian interprets things differently. The best explanation I have gotten for why I should believe that Jesus was the Son of God is �because the Bible says so�. Sorry, there are many holy texts in this world�.prove to me that the Christian bible is the absolute truth. Prove to me that it was written by God. I love the Christmas story and I would love to return to the traditions of my family, perhaps join a church, share my faith with others. It is this time of year that I miss concretely believing in something more. I long to believe, pray to believe, pray for explanations, pray for childlike faith. Day before yesterday, I had my second powerful spiritual experience. This time it was a dream, but it was not like my usual dreams. It was somehow different. It changed my thinking and now I think it is about to change my life. I will share that in a posting later on this week. P. I. Yarnsmith
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