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9:21 a.m. - 2006-07-04
The nerve of me!!!!

I was one of "THOSE" women

I had a traumatic experience at the grocery store yesterday. I went to the Jewel store in another town, one that I haven't been in very often, because the store in my city runs out of the sale items and I needed lots of the sale items.

Sister Diane and my two nephews Jack and Matt are in from Australia and I am having both sisters and families over for 4th of July barbeque. I am not used to shopping big anymore as it is just me and Mike nowdays and I rarely entertain.

The day was hot and humid and I had been on my feet all day running around. I had more food and beverage than my cart would hold and rolled the overflowing trolley (that's an Australian term for cart) up to the line that looked the shortest. I began to fill the conveyor belt and had the whole cart just about unloaded with the checker beginning to check my items out when the lady behind me on a cell phone said to the person she was speaking to in an annoyed tone, "YEAH, WELL I THOUGHT I WAS IN THE EXPRESS LINE."

I looked up and saw the sign. -15 items or less.- I had about 150, or so it seemed. I instantly turned around and started apologizing profusely to a woman who would not even look at me. I turned to the clerk and said "Oh my God, I didn't even look up at the sign, I had no idea I was in the express line".

"WELL YOU ARE!!!!" she said witichly

I looked at the manager who had come over to help her bag and told him the same thing. He wouldn't even look at me. I'm sure it took less than 10 minutes to check me out but I could feel a million eyes on me and could almost hear the angry muttering behind me. It was my 10 minutes of shame. Knowing that I get irritated with people who do this made it even worse.

I aplogized again as the clerk was ushering the last of the items past the scanner and now more calm, she said "well, it's all over now".

The manager said loudly, "Heavens, how did you manage to get all this in here?" as he tried to find room for a watermelon that I knew I would be sorry I bought as watermelons are always a hassle. Of course I could feel a million people look in my direction as he made his exclamation.

I rolled my overflowing tribute to excess out the door and unloaded my cart into my car. I pushed the cart to the cart corrale and noticed the watermelon was still on the bottom of the cart in a flimsy plastic bag. After parking, I picked up the bag and the watermelon instantly burst through the bottom of the bag and hit the pavement with what sounded like a cross between a pregnant "THWACK" and a wet "POP". The watmelon cracked open and started to roll.

"SHIT!" I exclaimes as everyone in the parking lot stopped to watch. I resisted an urge to kick it under a parked cart and picked it up. The wet slippery melon slipped through my arms, leaving the front of my shirt covered in moisture fromt the condensation on the cold melon and melon juice. It began to roll again. Finally I was able to wrestle it into my trunk and get it home where I had to spend the next hour rendering it into uneven chunks or what I like to call melon hash.

This will be the last watermelon I buy this season and you can bet I'll never bitch again when I find myself behind some poor soul who forgot to look up and see the sign that reads "15 items or less".

P. I. Yarnsmith

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