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9:17 p.m. - 2005-04-12 Sure wish I could cryI sure am having a hard time reading y'alls diaries tonight. There is either something wrong with my browser or with diaryland or with my ISP, but I have only been able to open a few buddy pages tonight. Rest assured that those I can't get into tonight will be tried again tomorrow. I miss you all when I don't know what yer up to. Anyway, I sure wish I could get a good cry going. I have that sorrowful feeling inside but I just can't turn it over. My heart is as hard as stone and I think it needs to be, with the plans that I think are actually going to come to fruition. Everytime I think along the lines of giving this man a break....of feeling so sorry for him that I just can't turn him loose, take my half of the money and throw him jobless and homeless to the streets, he does or more like doesn't do something that makes me KNOW I am making the right decision. I think what feels so sorrowful is that I am not just pissing and moaning anymore...but actually am giving this serious thought. It is way too scary. I have never been afraid before... when I would think of leaving him...I think it was because I have never really been serious before. Actually, I can't believe I am serious now....but I am scared and I want to cry and get all poignant about leaving this 27 year long relationship...but I can't...all I feel is hardness. That is how I know that to continue down this path is the right thing. I also now know that this is going to have to happen fast. At first, I was thinking in terms of next Spring....then I found the little house and I started thinking in terms of August or September....now I am thinking in terms of ASAP....which is making me even more sad and more anxious. Last week he was goin to do the breaks on the car. He couldn't get the information on the CD I bought him with the factory "fix it" manual, because our computer was down. He says "I guess I'll take it in and it'll cost us $400.00." I told him, "NO, I'll fix the computer and then you can do it next week." I spent every spare moment fixing the computer from his X rated, mid afternoon escapades and another week goes by. Now the brakes are so soft, I can't take the expressway to work. Today, I tell him, "OK, I fixed the computer and now you can do the brakes." He calls his buddy on the phone and says, "can you pick me up from the dealership tomorrow when I drop off the car to get the brakes done?" I started to yell at him and asked why he wasn't going to do the brakes...that I didn't have $400.00 but I had a husband who had all day. I yelled, "What's the matter...gonna cut into your sleepin time????" Now he tells me that he never planned on doing the breaks...that he was always gonna take it to have it done. Any other bitchin I did was met with silence and no answers to my questions, which is the way he treats everything I have to say when he doesn't want to give me an answer. After he fixed my bed and put the box spring and mattress back on, he forgot to put on my dust ruffle. Just now he says real sweet, "you want me to help you put your dust ruffle on?" I says, "No, I'm just gonna pack it in a box." Now....I never told him I went to with my sissy and daughter to look at a house but he knows. He's been doing some snoopin because he brought it up. I didn't deny it, but stopped short of telling him it was a house for me, because I haven't been 100 percent on whether I will leave him or not and I don't make empty threats. He has never been a reader of this diary and for all I know, he got into my camera and found the pictures and that's how he knows. Now, I don't care if he knows or how he knows. I think I owe it to him to give him a heads up on getting a job so he can support himself. I don't know what I am gonna say yet, but I am awful close to saying it. God will nudge me in the right direction when the time is right and I feel that time could happen very very soon, possibly in the next few days. Once the words come out of my lips and fall on his ears....there will be no stopping the slide down the slippery slope. The process will be in motion. I am afraid....Sure wish I could get a good cry going....however, I think I need a hardened heart more than a good cry right now. I need my anger to carry me into, through and out of this. I am going finish this off a bit lightheartedly. For anyone who watches American Idol.....Go Constantine...what a hottie..(I am old enough to be his mother...well, not quite). P. I. Yarnsmith
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