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9:11 a.m. - 2005-04-09 Getting a little closer to the dreamWell something has clicked this time, I think. I have been bitching and moaning about being married to this guy for 25 years. I am a tolerant person and fearful of change. We have had some good times and considering that a lot of our problems up til 13 years ago were helped along by me, I guess we deserved each other. 13 years ago, though, I started growing. In the last 13 years I have continued to bitch and moan, yet just when I have had enough, I backslide and being fearful of change, I make lemonaide out of the lemons. I want to state emphatically that I don't resent, or dislike my husband. Part of the reason I hold on is because I feel sorry for him and don't wish any harm to come to him. I have had the hardest time not feeling guilty over all of this. Lately though I feel different. Maybe I am starting to put myself first. Maybe this job change...which was HUGE for me, made me less fearful of change. Maybe I have just had enough and want to bring on Phase II of something better for the rest of the life I have left. Tomorrow, I am going to go see my little house!!!!My sister is coming with me. I called on it yesterday. The lady said that it is empty and there is a lock box. If I call her from a cel phone when I get there, she will tell me how to get into it and I can go in and look around. Will take pics and post them Sunday nite or Monday. I will do this as I did the job change. In steps....baby steps. If I look at the big picture...I will chicken out from the sheer number of things that need to be done to effect this change. The plan is starting to become clear to me in my mind. In my experience, when a plan starts to unfold before me, it is the right thing to do. All I have to do is start these little steps. I don't have to think about the actual telling him I am leaving step yet. Who knows...maybe something will happen and that step will never come to pass...but for now, here are the simple steps revealed to me while in meditative thought and prayer. 1. Make it real...go see the darned house and maybe a few others just to start getting an idea of what is available and what I can get for what price. Then I want to consult with my daughters boyfreind, a mortgage broker, and see how much I could get preapproved for, so I know what to look at and what not to waste my time with. 2. Start packing up boxes of knick knacks and books and assorted junk that are cluttering up the cracker box, yet things I am unable to part with because I may be able to fit them into my next house. 3. Rent a storage unit. $40.00 per month will give me space for about 90 boxes the size of a computer paper box. I can pack up and move this stuff on weekend mornings while he is sleeping, or put a few in my car every morning and take them over after work. 4. Today, I start restoring my condo garden back to the original configuration the association will want it to be in when I move. The understanding is that the next owners may not want all that dug up space to take care of and will let it go wild.
5. Next week, I will start decluttering and cleaning up my husbands "black hole" of a bedroom. Once that is done, the rehab on that room will start...(wallpaper removal, painting, fixing what ever reveals itself behind that wallpaper, etc.) 6. Get some cheap carpeting put in, the place will sell better with some new carpeting, plus one room is cement floor because the cat peed on it and we had to take it up. 7. I decided not to put any effort into the kitchen. Who ever buys this place will no doubt have to gut the entire kitchen. It needs everything. The countertop is the worst, but paying 700.00 to buy and have a new counter installed just to have the new people take it out seems stupid. The kitchen looks ok with the new paint job, the appliances are in good shape and if I simply wash and wax the floor shiney, and do a good cleanup on the cabinets, it should show well enough. 8. Once I get to that level....we are talking months here now. Then I will decide on what next steps are needed. 9. Right now...looking at the big picture, I am looking at a target date of August or September to be out of here. That is too scary to think about though, so right now...the step in front of me is my garden. I'm going right out there now and start step 1.
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