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5:50 p.m. - 2004-06-11
On Being a Bitch
I think I will continue the topic on "Being a Bitch" at least for another day. Being a bitch doesn't feel good, and yet it does. Being a bitch feels intoxicating. When you put yourself into one of those resentful moods that come from endless stewing over some percieved problem, it feels so wickedly good and you just want to hang onto the feeling. It feels like, just by the act of being a bitch, you are validating your feelings that someone or some circumstance has done you dirty and that by holding onto the feeling, you are paying that person or that situation back.It is loathing of the most poisonous kind. After a few days or few weeks of living under the dark cloud of negativity caused by stewing in your own poisonous mood, it wears you down and tires you out and then, exhausted, you are ready to let go.You let go and the load feels lighter, the sunshine comes back in again and you feel like you are recovering from a long illness, so happy that you survived.Then you realize that you did this to yourself and it was you that held onto it and that it was you that could have given it up at any time, and you realize that it actually felt good, until it felt bad.Like a strong drink of liquor, the intoxication sweeps over you and makes you feel giddy and in control and then you drink too much and you feel sick and woozy and withdrawn.The hangover of remorse after being a bitch and being cross and nasty to everyone in your path for however the "bitch binge" lastes is a heavy feeling and you just want to sleep it off.What a waste of livable life.I will repeat what I discovered yesterday.RESENTMENT IS LIKE DRINKING POISON AND EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE TO DIE!Think about it. I am so thankful that this latest "bitch binge" lasted only 1 day and didn't do much damage.I was much nicer to my boss today and he was nice back.
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