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9:10 a.m. - 2005-04-02 Avoiding the inevitableIt has been nearly a week since I updated. I was offline for several days and have spent the last week restoring my computer back to factory settings and then reloading all my software, trying to get it all to play nicely with each other. This is the 3rd time I have had a trojan infect my computer. This one wasn't as bad as the others and didn't hijack my browser, but it peppered my internet sessions with hundreds of pop up ads that my pop-up blocker could not or would not stop. The way these trojans get in despite my having a good firewall and personally practicing safe surfing, is because my husband is addicted to pornography. While I am slaving away at work making barely enough money to support us both, he is here in the computer room jacking off to dirty pictures. The sessions with the pornography began when I suggested that instead of letting his AutoCad skills go soft, (skills which the great state of Illinois spent $3000.00 for him to learn so he could become gainfully employed,) that he should be on the computer practicing. For the first week, I noticed that the AutoCad book was bookmarked in different places and sitting on the desk next to the keyboard. During the second week, I found the AutoCad book sitting on a chair next to the computer, where it has been sitting ever since with the marker in the same spot. Shortly after that the trojans starting showing up. Even though he sees me spend an entire week of frustration trying to get our computer back to normal and even though I have nicely asked him to please go buy himself a magazine, he can't keep away from it. Despite a good firewall and a good anti virus and the running of the Adaware program on a daily basis....going on those porn sites is like opening up your door and letting the worst of the worlds riff raff come and party in your home, eat your food and then deficate on your carpet and they never ever leave. This is the last time I am restoring this computer. I told him so. I have a nice bonus coming up this quarter (or so I hope) and with it, I may just go and buy myself a laptop that I can keep for myself and he can ruin this computer all he wants...when its fried...it's fried. I had discussions with my family on Easter and the overwhelming consensus is that I should leave him. Once we finish fixing this house up and get it ready for sale, it will be my now or never opportunity to make good on the pissing and moaning I have done for the past 25 years about leaving him. My daughter is grown. I am making enough money to support myself and I am ready to leave this house. With my half of the equity in this home, I can buy myself the house I have always wanted in the area I want to live in. I can make a clean break....BUT...can I. I have decided that if I leave him, it will be before I buy a new house. If I buy a new house with him, I will resign myself to live with him until death do us part....and rather than shit....I will just get off the pot and forever hold my peace. There is no question what the right decision is...If I don't leave him....I'm a fool. Why then do I go back and forth on this????? Because I feel sorry for him. After 25 years of marriage, I don't wish to see anything bad happen to him. If I could, I would give him all we have and start over fresh myself. The only reason I don't is because there are things in life I need and want and I am simply too old and don't make enought money to; 1. save up a new down payment and 2. save up a new retirement fund. I need to take my half. Taking my half leaves me in a good spot. Leaving him with only half leaves him with less. After 3 years unemployed and his being unwilling and physically unable to do the kind of work he was doing before, he could maybe get a job making $10.00 per hour with no benefits. That is not enough to live on and he will have no choice but to live in a cheap apartment and supplement his income with his half of our assets until they are completely drained. By the time he reaches retirement, he will have nothing but social security to live on and that is enough for a paupers life. This is a guy who is already depressed. No one is hiring for AutoCad, unless the hiree is young and computer savvy or has years of practical experience. Leaving him will be leaving him with nothing....however....this is the bed he has made for HIMSELF....shoudn't I be allowed to just walk away and let him lie in it????? The question is....will I be able to happily go on to my future, knowing I am leaving him in more misery than he is already in? I have a terrible terrible guilt complex....will I be able to live with myself????? The other nagging thing is: I can't stand not knowing how this will all shake out. What are the mechanics of divorce. What is the first step. The first step is to finish getting the house ready for sale. There is much to be done. I need his help. In order to get it, I can't even let him know what I am thinking. This is my little secret to bear now. It will be at least 6 months, or maybe a year before I am ready to take another step. This is weighing ever so heavily on my mind. It is the only thing I think about...day and night...being in another house...without him P. I. Yarnsmith
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