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7:32 p.m. - 2005-02-28 A fart story and other talesI have come down with some sort of respiratory illness. It was given to me by a co worker who came wheezing into the conference room during last Monday's sales meeting breathing heavily through his mouth, sitting directly across from me. It was after being confined in the tiny room with him that I knew I was going to get sick, I just didn't know how long it would take. I am an ultra healthy sort. I pride myself on being able to come in contact with one feaverishly flu ridden person after another and am often the only one in the office who doesn not get sick. I wash my hands alot and try not to touch things that the mouth breathers touch. This guy though was all over my stuff. He touched all of my files and handled reams of paperwork that he first coughed on and then set upon my desk. By Friday, I could feel the little tickle in my nose and the dryness in my throat and I knew I was toast. My immune system fought all weekend and I really didn't feel too badly until 1 O'Clock this morning. Hours before having to go to my stessful job, my little white blood cells cried "Uncle" and backed off, letting the mean old virus have it's way with me. I propped myself up in my office chair and settled in for a very uncomfortable day. Mostly people left me alone, not wanting to catch what I had. This virus though as well as having stuffed up my sinuses like a box of cotton also made me gassy. I wasn't having too bad a time sitting in my chair as I could compress my butt against the chair while sqeezing my cheeks together and stifle an emission, when my boss and another guy squeezed themselves in between me and the filing cabinets, asking me which drawer held the invoices. All of a sudden I had to fart. I couldn't get up off of my chair without it escaping. "Over there" I pointed to the drawer that held the invoices. "Where....Here?' said Kevin opening up the wrong drawer. "No", I waved my finger, "Third drawer down." "This drawer?" he asked opening up another drawer. "No, the one on the other side of the one you just looked in". I motioned. "Here?" he said, going back to the cabinet he had already checked. "Why don't you just show him" said Joe. The only answer I had was "Because I have to fart and if I get up out of this chair and bend over to open that bottom file cabinet drawer, it's gonna be mighty embarrassing." But I didn't say that. I carefully got out of my chair and sqeezed my butt cheeks together as hard as I could and did this little waddly sort of walk to the file cabinets and quickly bent down and flung open the drawer and pointed to the file in the same motion. Then I quickly waddled back and plopped down in my seat. Ahhhhhh. I made it. After they left with the document they wanted, I waddled into the bathroom where I could be alone with my dirty little secret. The perception of feminity preserved....we all know that ladies don't fart. I'm glad you are all cyber buds because I would have never told you this otherwise. A big thanks to Lolitafor playing another song from my favorite musical....Rogers and Hammerstein's "Cinderella", on her page today. P. I. Yarnsmith
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