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10:22 p.m. - 2006-01-16 Tap one, Tap two, Side Step, Three, FourI opened my big mouth to an internet buddy who I met two years ago on a dieting website. For two years we have been egging each other on to lose weight and write each other every day. I have only been pretending to be serious and have gained weight not lost it. I told her that I am making 2006 the year I get healthy and that I was indeed serious this time. Imagine my surprise to open up a package the other day from this buddy containing "The Biggest Loser" work out and companion diet book. She also sent stickers to stick on my calendar for every day I stick to my work out. Not wanting to disappoint such a benevolent diet buddy and actually myself. I decided to accept her challenge and that 6PM would be my daily workout...in between gettng home and dinner. I am not used to working out and I am beyond....over weight. I am the proverbial person who can't walk and chew gum at the same time...honestly...this isn't an expression. If I am chewing gum and have to walk anywhere, I need to spit the gum out or I will choke. Honest to God...no exaggeration. So you can imagine what it looks like when I try to step side to side or lunge front to back...front toe tap, back toe tap, front toe, back toe and then try to add a kick and a one, two punch boxing motion at the same time. My limbs get all mixed up and I must look like an epileptic doing the floppy chicken. Long ago in another life...when I thought I was fat but at a weight I would die to be at now, I joined a health club. The class was in a big room with a wall separating the room from the locker room which was nothing more than drywall panels suspended on a wobbly frame. A door at the back of the classroom led into the locker room. I positioned myself at the back of the class near this door not wanting to treat anyone to a view of my butt while in motion. There we were, sashaying from side to side...side step, one, two side step, three four, leftside one, two...right side three, four...side step kick, side shep kick...now add two side steps and kick two three four..... During one of the side steps in the direction of the wobbly wall, I side stepped right onto the toe of my gym shoe sending me careening right into the wall. Boommmmmmmmmm!!! The wall oscillated back and forth making a sound like a large piece of sheet metal being shaken. I thought for a minute it would fall over. The whole class stopped and stared the teacher then managed to get the groups attention and we resumed the side step, one, two...side step, three, four....I just side stepped quietly to my left and kept side stepping right into the locker room unnoticed where I hid in a bathroom stall until class was over. I never went back again. I hated this exercise. It is going to take every ounce of will power I have to do it again and I didn't do them right. I am way way way out of shape, but I did keep moving during the entire 45 minute workout which for me is a miracle. Why can't modern science just invent a bottle of something to take the place of a good workout for the sake of lard ass nerds like me who can't move their arms and legs in sync at the same time without taking out a wall. P. I. Yarnsmith
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